About a month ago the PH Champs went through this thing about what a leaders greatest fear is, which we found to be to fall into a shadow mission - anything off from the mission God has called us to. That was good and all however, last night during my QT I found my greatest fear and it was in Judges 16:20. It’s the story of Samson and its just after his hair gets cut off and he is about to go beat the Philistines down as usual but v20c “…he did not know that the LORD had left him.”
That is my greatest fear that I wouldn’t know if the Lord is with me or has left me. I think it came down to the relationship Samson had with God. I believe that he started off well but somewhere along the line he fell off the bandwagon. When he is young and without his incredible strength he was doing things right (to some extent) or else why would God bestow power on him? After this power is placed on him, things start to go downhill, he starts getting vengeance for himself and the way he sees fit (15:3). There was no consultation with God. So that was the start of his decent to the point where he did not know if the Lord had left him. There was a happy ending, somewhat, Samson’s eyes get gouged out goes to prison there he realizes how much he needs God and at a banquet he asks God to strengthen him once more and collapses a pagan temple and kills everyone inside including himself.
For me this scares me, will I ever get to the point where I’m so distant from God that I don’t know if He is here or not. This is my fear and my driver. My fear, cos if I start doing things my way I’m screwed. My driver cos I don’t ever want to end up like Samson (far away from God) that it’s driving me to God, and that relationship, that dependence on Him, His judgment, His methods, His will.
I want to know Him so closely that it becomes a sixth sense. It’s like when you can just feel someone’s presence in the room, someone who you’re really close to like a family member or a BFF forever. You know when they leave to go the toilet or a snack even though they say nothing or make it obvious by making noises as they go but just walk out silently and you know they have gone. You just know, you can’t smell, see, hear, feel or ??taste?? them go (I thought I’d go with all five senses cos taste would feel left out). That’s the way I want to be with God that even if He steps out of the room for a toilet break – I’ll know, or even in the loudest, busiest, craziest situations and He goes to grab a bite to eat – I know. I don’t need anything or anyone to tell me He is gone cos I just know.
This whole thing scares me cos if I fail in this area, I fail in every area. God’s call for all of our lives is to have a relationship not fulfill a mission. If I succeed in my mission, not falling into a shadow mission for my life but sacrifice my intimacy with God, I may as well have played pokemon on my DS my whole life, or played CS till the day I die. It pointless to trade a relationship with a mission.
This whole thing made me ask myself a few questions. How is my relationship with God? How is my relationship with God, really? Do I know Him? Do I really know Him? To me what do I desire more: a deep relationship with God or the fulfillment of a mission? To me what do I really desire more: a deep relationship with God or the fulfillment of a mission?
You may think I’m a spastic for asking myself the same questions but with the word really in them to make myself seem more reflective and deep, but when people ask you ‘How are you going?’ the standard, pre-thought about, textbook answer comes out as a reflex. You don’t think about it, it just does - ’How are you going?’ ‘Not too bad’. Then when they ask again ‘How are you really going?’ you answer honestly and openly.
So here are the questions I asked myself honestly and openly again. How is my relationship with God, really? Do I really know Him? To me what do I really desire more: a deep relationship with God or the fulfillment of a mission?
